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Monday, June 18th, 2001
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7:43 pm - Navy
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oh yeah, i forgot to mention that my brother left for the navy yesterday. well, he actually is in spokane, and he flies to chicago on wednesday. i ate this pepper cuz it was something i told him i would do, since i am such a wuss, and holy crap, it was hot. my mouth was on fire for so long. my mom and i are going to church again too, so that's really good for us. let's see, what else... hmmm... oh yeah, my mom finally realized how rude my grandma is to me all the time, and now she won't think that i am just being a pill, she really is mean. and i guess that's about it.
current mood:  uncomfortable
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7:38 pm - work work work
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today was my first day at work, and OMG i am hella tired. my mom and i had to leave early because she had some last minute things to do before the new boss showed up at 8. i woke up at 6 and was out of the house at 6:30. then i get there, and it's pretty slow, and the new boss comes. he's nice, but it's not like i am worth his time or anything, i'm just a little girl to him. and then at 9 i went to the summer intern orientation. there is one guy that works there that is pretty cute, but he doesn't seem like he will be talking to me, so oh well. monday there will be even more interns, so hopefully a hotter guy will come, and he will talk to me, haha, yeah right. so then my mom had me running papers up and down 3 flights of stairs like 5 times in a row, so i guess i will get into shape this summer. and i was making copies and doing data entries and faxing papers, blah blah blah. so anyways i am DEAD tired, and i will probably go to bed really early tonight. oh well, at least i get paid, right?
current mood:  tired
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| Tuesday, June 12th, 2001
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3:46 pm - yay
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| Tuesday, June 5th, 2001
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7:57 pm - ???
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there is something wrong with me, and i can't quite figure out what it is. maybe the fact that i came from a family of psychotic people: bipolars, manic depressives, druggies, alcoholics, etc. might have something to do with it. sometimes i just feel like i need to beat the crap out of something or hurt someone, and sometimes i wish people would just leave me alone. it's almost like there is a huge sign on me that says: lie to me, use me, tell me you love me when you don't mean it... because that is what everyone does to me. someone in particular really has hurt me a lot. they told me that i show them what love means, and that they would die for me, yet they turn around and say the exact same thing to someone else not too long after our special thing is over. i don't understand how people can live with themselves after they put someone through hell. i've gone to a counselor before, but she didn't help me. i don't know, maybe i am someone that needs a higher level of help, maybe i am incapable of cure. i know there is something inside me that eats me up, but i can never figure out what it is. i always make up excuses like, i miss my dad, my mom is drinking again, my stepdad is a jerk, my brother doesn't care, i have no friends, i need a boyfriend, etc. the thing is, i know those aren't the reasons why i sit alone and cry my eyes out, and throw things as hard as i can against the wall. i wish i could talk to someone, but i am afraid they will think i am some mental case. i can't help it that some psychological diseases are hereditary, and that i guess i received some of them. it isn't my fault i don't know why i want to die. it isn't my fault i hate everyone and everything. it is just the way i am, and nothing anyone says or does can change that.
current mood:  cynical
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| Sunday, May 13th, 2001
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5:44 pm - long time, no write
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well i guess i have some catching up to do huh. i went to prom last night, it was fun. i slow danced with andrew once, and i realized i miss being with him, but i am not sure if i would want to go out with him again. i dyed my hair, i now have really bright reddish/pinkish streaks in my hair, and i like it. alex got a new girlfriend, and y'know, it really doesn't bother me. like with heather, it hurt me, but this time, i'm like happy for him... weird, isn't it? i just wish he would freaking talk to me more, what happened to let's be friends? whatever. jeff got a girlfriend too, someone i don't like very much. it's okay though, i mean, it's not like we have really talked before, but i have a feeling that will change. it is really hot in my room, and i have 35 notecards due tomorrow which i haven't even started, so i must be leaving. oh yes, do not forget... my birthday is on wednesday, the 16th. ok c ya.
current mood:  hot
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| Monday, April 23rd, 2001
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8:02 am - UGH!!!
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i am completely sick of people using me, lying to me, and walking all over me. for as long as i can remember, my mom was always getting into relationships where he treated us like shit. i've been through a lot of stuff with guys, so much that i am afraid of older men. it takes me a while to trust them, and usually when i do, they end up hurting me. jonathan hurt me really badly, he had lied to me about his age. he is really 18, and he graduated already. i was so upset that i threw up a whole bunch of times. i don't get it... i mean, i am a nice person, i genuinely care about other people, i'm not stuck-up, i have a really great personality, and i am fun to be around. but obviously, i am missing something. i must not be that great of a person if everyone just loves to hurt me so much. alex hurt me yesterday too, but i would rather not get into that. i really hoped that we would eventually get back together, but i honestly don't think he wants to. jake no longer likes me either. what the hell is wrong with me? no guys at school like me, i have like no friends, and the people that were nice to me when i was new last year, don't even look at me. i never did anything to them, so why don't they act like my friends anymore? just because they happen to be the popular group, i guess i am not good enough for them. my brother's friend sheri told me that it isn't me. she told me i am way more mature than anybody my age, that i am really smart, and she even told me i was really pretty. that meant a lot to me, and i just wish that other people would see me that way. i am so sick of this life, i know i have been cursed. bad shit has happened to me since the day i was born. and what the hell did i do to deserve it? not one fucking thing.
current mood:  nauseated
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| Wednesday, April 18th, 2001
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9:47 pm - Found
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ok, my mom called, she is at my grandparent's house. she needed time to get away (oh and like i don't) and she said she will be back in a few days probably. she told me it wasn't my fault, and it wasn't just my attitude, it was everyone's. when she comes back she says that things are going to change around here, and i really hope that works out. thank you so much those of you that prayed for us, and please continue doing so. i love all of you that care enough about me to do that. well i guess that's all.
current mood: drained
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9:15 am - MIA
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yesterday after school i was crying, and my brother happened to walk by and see. i explained to him what was wrong (don't feel like getting into it right now) so he took me out to the garage where one of his friends was. her name is sheri, and she made me feel a lot better. well then this guy mark came over, and they started playing drinking card games, and i joined in, but i didn't drink alcohol, i had a ruby red squirt lol. my brother was like here you can drink this. i was having a lot of fun. after that, sean came over. he's really nice and he was pretty cute too. and then garrett and nikki came and then noah came. well i forgot to mention that my mom said she would be home at around 6. neither my mom or my stepdad were home. my stepdad came home at 9:30 and my mom came home at about 10. they were out drinking (of course) and so i got on my mom's ass about it. i told her i didn't love her and all this crap, which was stupid for me to do. well after a while she went into the house. the dog was being annoying so i took him into my mom's room, and she was sitting on the floor. she told me she was playing with the kitties, so i said well you can play with your damn dog too and threw him in and slammed the door. don't think i'm rude to my mom, i just hate it when she drinks. she can't handle it anymore. she used to do drugs and get drunk all the time, but she was clean for a while. when i found out she started again i felt betrayed. she told me she never would again, but she did. she tries to do it in secrecy, but my brother and i can always tell, it isn't that hard. so around 11:15 i guess, my mom's car starts pulling out of the driveway. my stepdad ran out of the garage trying to stop her, but she drove away. i yelled fuck and ran out of the garage and slammed the door. i went into the living room and cried so hard i was practically screaming. i pretty much went into convulsions or something. well, nobody seemed to care. i was crying because i was afraid my mom would get in an accident and that i would become an orphan. my dad died when i was 9, and my mom and my brother mean so much to me. my mom never came home last night, and when i woke up this morning, there was a cop car outside my house. i was thinking omg she did die, but when i walked in there, my stepdad was filing a missing persons report with him. well then my mom's coworker, jessica, called and said my mom called at 5 this morning and said she was at my grandparent's house. well, that's 4 hours away from here, and she can't see at night anyways. how she made it there, i honestly don't know. we tried calling their house, my mom's cell, and my grandma's cell, but nobody answered any of them. so really, we still don't know where my mom is or what the hell is going on. i had forgotten my mom took pills for being depressed, and that drinking totally jacks up the depression factor. add me yelling at her, and what do we get, a screwed up person who doesn't know what to do with themself and frankly doesn't even care. so it is my fault, i should have waited until the next day when she had a hangover or something. i don't know, i'm really scared. i just want to know if my mom is okay, and i don't want her to hate me. i fell horrible and i wish i had somebody to talk to about this, but i don't. that is why i'm typing it in here. if anybody cares, i'm going to let you all know when we find something out. and if any of you believe in God, please pray for us.
current mood:  indescribable
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| Sunday, April 15th, 2001
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8:56 pm - Happy Easter
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man, i havent written in a while. sorry bout that. let's see, what has been up with sarah... well, this guy, jonathan, i think somethin might happen between us (i hope i hope)!!! my grandma thinks i am a snob :( my mom and i got in this huge arguement about money, it's kind of a long story, but it pissed me off so much. oh, i got asked to enter the 2001 miss oregon coed pageant! i hope i get selected, that'd be so incredibly awesome. i haven't been writing any poems lately, but i really miss it. i think i will start doing that again. maybe i'll post them on here too, who knows. anyways, i do not know what to talk about... byebye!
current mood:  dorky
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| Tuesday, April 10th, 2001
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9:23 pm - Phone Calls
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yesterday, i talked to this really cool guy, mike. we talked on the phone for a couple of hours. he's so cool, we're engaged (LOL). Jonathan seemed kind of upset that i couldn't talk to him on the phone, but he called today. he's pretty cool too. oh, i talked to rob last night. i haven't talked to him in so long. pixi called me yesterday too. and don't forget stephanie, who tried calling, but couldn't get ahold of me cuz i was talking on the phone already. that was so weird to have so many people call me in one day.
alex and i aren't really talking right now. he said some stuff that upset me, so i toldhim i didn't want to talk to him for a while. i need to completely get over him before i can be a true friend to him.
today's a pretty short one, i don't know what to say really, so bubi!
current mood:  relaxed
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| Sunday, April 8th, 2001
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8:13 pm - Blah
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i asked my mom what happened last night. it was what i knew, but didn't want to be true. she got drunk last night, and my stepdad was pissed cuz he wanted to stay out longer, but my mom was sick and wanted to come home. what a selfish asshole. he should care about my mom's well-being more than how long they stay out. my mom told me she wouldn't get drunk for a while, but i guess she breaks promises a lot, huh.
chris is a jerk, i'd like to talk to jake, alex is being sweet, and my brother is being nice... hmm...
damn, it's cold outside, seriously. i froze my butt off when i took the puppy for a walk. he made me laugh a few times though, so it was worth it. count on napoleon to cheer me up.
alright, well, i'm gonna go, later.
current mood:  sore
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4:17 pm - Need, Want, Same Dif
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well i guess i haven't written in a while. friday there was a dance at my school, just a casual one. i kept seein this really cute guy and i had seen him a couple of times at school. he is so tan, my goodness. anyways, i was afraid i wouldn't find him during a slow song, so i went over to him and asked if he would like to dance at the next slow song, and he said alright. when the slow song came on, we found each other. ah, it was heaven. after the dance, we talked a lil bit. he's a sophomore, and i think he said his name was tony, i cant remember. hopefully he won't be like jeff, and he'll actually talk to me at school.
yesterday, chris called me. some of you know who i'm talking about, i had kind of a bad experience with him. well i went out with him last night. it was fun i guess, i dunno. we kissed 3 times, which wasn't like a great thing for me. i dunno, i don't feel anything special when we kiss. but that's all for the good cuz he lies to me a lot. he's always telling me that he likes me and crap, while he tells amber that he wants to take her to prom and all this stuff. i don't understand it, he's like a major player, and i hate players. i just wish guys wouldn't be like that, it's really cruel.
i really would like a boyfriend, but i can't find anyone. i don't see myself going out with anyone, and i don't exactly like anyone right now, i guess you could say. i still get butterflies in my stomach when i see jeff, but i think it's just because he's so cute. i'm not sure. i'd like to get to know tony better, he seems sweet. i just want to find a nice guy, i seem to keep picking the bad ones.
oh, and i'm not sure about jake, i need some time to think about him i guess. who knows.
i almost forgot. my mom and stepdad went to this thing for my mom's work last night, and didn't come home til a lil after 1, which i thought was kinda strange. well, my mom like stormed in the door, and went straight to her bedroom, i haven't seen her since. my stepdad was a complete ass, and slept on the other couch by the kitchen, and like threw my dog into his crate. i would have yelled at him like i usually do, but i was afraid he would hurt me. i don't know what happened, and i would ask my mom, but she hasn't come out of her room, so i'm going to give her some space. i really want to know what happened last night, it was weird. i hope they decide to divorce, i hate him. i don't know what would happen to us if they did though.
current mood:  disappointed
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| Thursday, April 5th, 2001
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7:35 pm - How Long
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there's a place in my heart
that i go when i dream
a place that nobody can see
every night i see love
i see someone who’s waiting
waiting for someone like me
he must be out there
somewhere, someone for me
tell me how long
til i’m not just dreaming
how long, til somebody cares
how long, til i meet an angel
and give him my heart,
when can i start
how long til i fall in love
i sit every night
by my window just wishing
and searching for one perfect star
can anyone hear me
dunno if you’re listening
please send him right here
to my arms
he must be out there
somewhere, waiting for me
tell me just how long, will it be...
i’ve always believed
that my dreams would come true
that one of these nights
he would appear
he’d be here in my arms
i see it all, so clearly
how it could be
i wish he was kissing me now...
how long til i fall in love...
current mood:  curious
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| Wednesday, April 4th, 2001
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2:57 pm - People Are Silly
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alright lol this guy at my school, cj, he's a junior, he cracks me up. one day he came up to me and is like what's your name? i'm cj, just like that. i was so surprised, it was kinda funny. well since then, he's been all like flirty and stuff, so it's kinda funny, but i know that he's probably just in it for the action, which i won't give him. today he sees me and he puts his arm around me as i'm walking towards the back door of the school to go home, and he's all like you should give me your number sometime so we can do something after school, seein as how you live so close to me. i'm like uhhhh, alright i'll give it to you tomorrow. crap! i'm so dumb! i don't wanna give this guy my number, he might not leave me alone. i mean, sure he's cute and a cool guy, but i really don't know him that well, and i know that he probably just wants girls in the sack or something, i dunno. what am i supposed to do? i can't avoid him cuz everywhere i turn, he's like right there!
anyways, today in world civ, we had this discussion about being biast and judging people cuz they don't believe what you do and stuff. it was pretty cool, i'll get more into that some other time, it's a lot.
today, i start blabbing off to my friend stephanie for like forever and i'm just talking and talking blah blah blah and she writes that she's trying not to talk all day cuz her friend is gay and he wants her to help him do this silence day thing. it's basically like how you're quiet all day cuz people don't pay attention to people just because of their sexual preference and stuff like that, so you're trying to show how dumb that is and something like that. i thought it was really cool of her to do that. i don't think it's right that people are rude just cuz you are different. why can't we all be open-minded, and realize that everyone is different. it kinda pisses me off.
so today i'm on AIM for a lil while, but i'm not really talking to anyone. i've been soooo much happier these past few days, people have been noticing it. i figured out that's probably why all of a sudden the people at school are noticing me. i seem more fun when i'm happy all the time, y'know?
jake called me last night (how cute) and we talked for a while. it was cool talking to him again. i think that eventually we'll hook up, if i don't screw things up. just cuz he doesn't want a serious relationship now doesn't mean he won't some other time. hopefully soon! yup yup...
alrighty, i've been writing a hella lot lately, ha. ok, talk to y'alls laters, bubi!!!
love always and forever,
sarah bear
current mood:  hyper
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| Tuesday, April 3rd, 2001
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6:51 pm - Glittery Puppy
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i accidentally got glitter on my puppy, haha, oh well, now he's purdy! he's been a pain today, so i stuck him outside. he has enough fun out there, and i don't have to worry about him.
alright so i just got done looking at my friends section, and i saw two things that interested me. ben and alex were both talking about humans and how they think, why they act a certain way, etc. that has always interested me, and i thought it was weird that alex wants to do the same thing as me. next year i can only have one elective, which bites, but junior year, i'm starting my career academy, and it's stocked full of things like sociology and psychology courses, stuff like that. i've been through a lot in my life, so i think i would be able to relate to people, so i want to be a children/teen psychologist. newayz lol.
the guys at my school are psychotic. this whole year it was like i'm either a buddy to em or i don't exist, and now i'm like really good friends or they like me, and this all just started like yesterday. i don't get it. i'm not any different than how i've been all year, so i don't understand why all of a sudden i'm being noticed. it's weird stuff, man.
well, if you haven't noticed, i've been really happy lately. i dunno if it has to do with the fact that i'm becoming a new me, or if i just have a better outlook on life now. i like it though, so hopefully i can keep it up. *smiles* i like being like this, it's tight.
jake's gonna call me tonight, so we'll see how that goes. i still like him, as much as i don't want to admit it, i do. hopefully he will get around to wanting a relationship hehe yeah hurry up jakey!
well i dunno what to talk about, i'm kinda spacey today. hmmmmmmmmm alrighty, bubi!
current mood:  optimistic
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| Monday, April 2nd, 2001
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7:20 pm - uhmm alright
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well i just found out heather broke up with alex, and that i really want to try to be a really good friend for him. we went through a lot together, and to give up a relationship/friendship that special, well, that'd be pretty stupid. i don't know what to do, but i know that there's a lot i can do for people. anyways, i dunno, blah.
current mood:  thoughtful
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6:20 pm - First Day Back
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last night, i had a heck of a time trying to get to sleep. i was lying there and all of a sudden i had an urge to write. i clicked on my lamp, got my notebook and a pen, and the words were literally flowing from my pen. i didn't even realize what it was until i finished it and read it over. it was a poem about alex. i guess it was like a sign that i need to move on, it was really weird. and when i finally did fall asleep (at 2:30), i had a dream that he died. that was a pretty bad dream, but i think it means that like my previous life, with him or whatever, is dead, it's over. it's about time, don't you think?
in PE, we were playing floor hockey, and i told Kalina that i was afraid *bob* was going to whack me with his stick, and she's like, which one? i started laughing so hard, and i started paying attention to it, and i figured out why she said it. the guy likes me. everyone knew it except me. obviously bob isn't his real name. but i don't really like him like that. then i found out this other guy in my PE class likes me too. i don't even know his name, which makes me feel bad, so i think i'll talk to him tomorrow.
i don't understand how people can judge others by the way they look, dress, or who they hang out with. some of the nicest people i know are the ones that people reject or are afraid of or whatever, when they don't even know them. i try not to judge people, i know how it feels to be judged, and it sucks. i try to talk to all types of people, and i'm one of the few at my school that actually cares about other people than myself or who's in my little "group". everyone should give it a try, it makes you feel like a better person.
for those of you that don't know, i'm not going to be on AIM for a while, or at least not as much. i'm going to come online to check my email and update my journal. i just really don't appreciate the things that have been said to me or the stuff that's been going on that i always find out about over IM. people saying rude things to me cuz i won't give them a pic, or people saying crap to me to make me jealous or cry or whatever. it's dumb, and i've had enough. i can do more productive things than that.
well, i thought y'all should know that i had a really good day back at school. i was dreading it and i wanted to sleep, but it was all good. i think that if i keep acting like i have lately, and just being a better person and stuff like that, i should be fine. anyone who doesn't like me, that's their problem, not mine. i've done nothing to make anyone dislike me, so they're the ones with the problem. anyways, i'm gonna jet, i'll talk to you later.
love,
sarah
current mood:  happy
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| Sunday, April 1st, 2001
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8:27 pm - Why Oh Why
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alright, why do people torture themselves? i swear, i put myself through so much crap, like i'll sit there and read all this stuff about alex and heather in their journals, and why, i honestly don't know. i'm really glad pixi changed my wallpaper to a really cute pic of us together from last night, cuz i probably wouldn't have changed it from the pic i had of jake, which would, again, have tortured me. i give myself worse stomach aches and headaches than anyone else. why do we do that to ourselves? it's so dumb, and i'm going to try to stop doing that. i'm also going to stop coming online so much, i'll just update my journal and check my email, but i wont stay on for very long and i don't want to get on AIM. so everyone will have to either call me or write me emails for now on, and just read my journal to know what's going on in my life. i am also going to really start taking more care of myself, we only have one life, and i don't want to be 80 years old and be thinking about what a waste my life was, and how i didn't do anything good for myself.
oh and i've been thinking, if i got a bf, i'd be happier, and i don't think i would be so upset when i found something out. but the thing is, there's no guys at my school, and i don't know where else to look. jake may not want a serious relationship, but i do, and i'll do what i have to in order to get one. i just wish i could say that i liked someone, but i really don't. i guess i could like jeff, but i don't know if he'll talk to me or not, we have only talked once. maybe i can get someone to help me out with that, i dunno. well people, i've written some really long entries lately, and i guess i'm writing them more to get it off my chest, so if it bores you, i'm sorry. but hey, you're reading it, right? ok, so i'm gonna shut my lil mouth now, buhbye.
current mood:  okay
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5:33 pm - Ai Papi! haha
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pixi came over yesterday, and she actually banged on my window, just like she said! haha whata dorkus. well we got all prettied up and my mom drove us to the hoop. we met pixi's bf, brandon there, and waited for it to open up, it was hella cold outside. so we get in there, and there's like 40 people, so we were like, oh great, this'll be fun. so we kinda stood around for a while. we made fun of so many people, the girls were all hos, and the guys were makin us crack up. it was kind of an embarrassment to see all of them freaking, like, alright, they're representing the freshman class, and they're making us look like fools. and i know how to dance well without looking like a complete slut, so i kinda did, but it wasn't fun, so i stopped. i made pixi dance to the thong song with me, and she said ok since that was embarrassing, you need to go ask that security guard to slow dance, and he was cute, so i did, but he said they weren't allowed to *tear* then the last slow song, i saw this guy standing by himself, so i went over and asked him to dance, and i was like hmm he's pretty cute. so we were dancing to i wanna know by joe, and a little while through, he put his arms around me tighter, it was so cute! after the dance, he kept looking at me, so i was like tight tight! and while we were waiting for my mom to pick us up, one of the girls that worked there made a huge deal about the butterfly on my shirt, so i asked if she liked butterflies, and she's like, i'm obsessed! and showed me the tattoo on her back, it was so cute, and i showed her my earrings and my hair clips, it was cool. so then pixi and i came home and ate some junk and fell asleep. this morning we woke up and just talked for a couple of hours, then her mom came and got her. i had fun even though the hoop pretty much sucked. pixi and i have become really close, and i really am grateful for our relationship. she's my best friend, but i'm not her's. that's cuz cara has been her best friend for like 7 years, so it's all good.
pixi wants me to go to her school (glencoe) next year, and i kinda want to, but i'm not sure. i mean, i'd love to go to school with her, we'd rule the school, but my school has really good academics, and i know that after school, that'll be what really matters, not who's popular or whatever. so i dunno, what do you all think?
ok, so jake didn't go to the hoop with us. i talked to him today, and pixi had told me that he said he didn't want a serious relationship, so i asked him why he would do that to me, and he said at first he did want one, but then he didn't, and he didn't know how to tell me without hurting my feelings. i actually do believe that, and i guess we either hook up down the road or i just end up having a good friend. either way, it's alright.
oh i remember why i called this ai papi, i said that to the security guard and some other guy in the hoop, but i dont think they heard me lol.
so i dunno what else to talk about i guess, if i think of something, i'll be sure to tell u.
current mood:  giggly
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| Saturday, March 31st, 2001
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1:16 am - Stress Causes Major Tummy Aches
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i am so sick of this, i just want to step out of my skin and become someone else. or just disappear off the face of the earth. i can't get a guy... sure i've had bfs before, but they never lasted long, and at the moment it's like i'm nothing. i guess guys just get sick of me after a while, who knows. alex says he doesn't compare his gfs, but by his last journal entry about her, i can tell he likes her more than he liked me. and jake, well, i honestly think it's over between us, not like we ever met or anything. i feel like i'm going to throw up. amber is my only friend, well my only true friend. i'm so upset and confused that i'm shaking, every part of my body is shaking like crazy. i'm about to pick up that compass and dig into my arm like i used to, i still have those 2 marks from the last times, i like them there, it reminds me of who i can and cannot trust and stuff like that. yeah yeah there's plenty of guys out there, blahblahblah, whatever. sure there is, but can i ever find a good one? uhmm... nope! i seriously don't know what to do with myself anymore, i'm just tired of living, but i'm not going to kill myself, don't worry, if u were, which i doubt u were. i sometimes wish God would just take me, but i guess he doesn't want me either. i don't know anymore, what am i doing? i don't even know what i'm typing, alright, i'm confused now, bye.
current mood:  rejected
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sweetbutterfly's journal